Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be a musician- mainly a singer. There's even a home video of me barely old enough to stand, but playing around with a radio's volume knob, turning Bob Marley's Buffalo Soldier up and down. But, being a shy, sensitive kid, I could never muster the courage to tell people. When my family asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I'd always just tell them I had no idea, and they didn't really worry about it, because my grades had always been above average. To them, as long as I was doing well in school, I could be whatever I wanted, and there was still plenty of time for me to figure it out. I always wanted to tell people, but it's a scary thing to put your dream out there- once you say it out loud, people can judge you for it. So I kept my dream safe by keeping it in my head. As long as I did that, I could tell myself that it would just happen one day, and I wasn't open to failure. I didn't sing for anyone, ever- I didn't sing in the shower, in my room, or even along with the radio in the car, if there was anyone around. The only person who knew was my best friend Ariel.

However, toward the end of Elementary School and throughout High School, the desire to sing whenever I wanted became so great that I poked my head out of my shell every once in a while, and I even participated in my High School talent show in Grade Ten, but I didn't tell my Mom. Looking back, I really regret it, because that was my first performance in front of an audience, and I didn't let her share it with me. Even now, I'm tearing up thinking about it, because my parents went through a messy divorce when I was a year and a half old, and since then it's been her and I against the world. In grade Eleven, I entered a YouTube contest to sing a duet with Marianas Trench for their song Good To You. Long story short, the lead singer Josh Ramsay tweeted the link to my video, and I honestly thought I'd placed in the top 4, but it turns out I didn't. Again, I didn't tell my Mom. In Grade Twelve I took a Grade Nine Music Theory class, and participated in the school talent show again, and this time I invited my Mom and her boyfriend. She was super supportive, even bringing me tea for my throat beforehand. At graduation, I managed to sing the Anthem in front of both of my parents and their partners, and all three of my living grandparents. They all approved and were shocked, and my Gramma even cried. My Mom got it on tape, and tried to get me to listen to it, but to this day I refuse to. Still though, I hadn't actually said flat out that I wanted to pursue music as a career. I distinctly remember specific times over a span of about six or seven years when my Mom and I would be driving somewhere at night, and I'd want to tell her so badly, but couldn't make myself, and the one time I actually started to cry out of frustration, but my Mom didn't see.

After high school I wanted to apply to a program called Music Industry Arts, but my Mom, not knowing how serious I was about Music, thought it would be too hard to get into for something I wasn't going to use. So I applied to other schools, and ended up studying abroad in England at a castle for the year, and sort of had it in my head all year that I would drop out after the once in a lifetime experience and pursue music. The only problem was that I still couldn't muster the *ahem* balls to tell anyone what I really wanted. Plus, I had a boat load of stressful, ridiculous situations to deal with while I was there, which I won't go into detail about. So, feeling stressed, isolated, and a bit depressed, my grades dropped.

Fast forward to my second (aka this) year of University, and my grades continued to drop. I hated my program, and felt like I was wasting my time, especially since there are people younger than me who've made millions from their music careers. I stopped going to class, failed midterms, and didn't leave the house much. Finally I reached a breaking point in the wee hours of October 25th, 2011. After talking to Ariel on Skype for almost an hour, I sent my Mom a long winded, heartfelt email telling her about what I really wanted. I was scared beyond belief and relieved all at the same time, because it was finally out in the open. My Mom responded in the morning from work, telling me how sorry she was that I felt I couldn't talk to her about it for so long, and that all she wants is for me to be happy and to be able to buy groceries. She was -again- immensely supportive about it, and urged me to look into my options for schooling and lessons. I ended up failing every last one of my first year courses.

This past Christmas, my Mom bought myself and my Godsister (our Moms are each other's Godmothers) Kassel recording time in a studio because we played guitar and sang together all summer, and she also paid for me to take a Songwriting & Recording course at a music school in the same city as my University. Plus, she paid for me to record songs to send in to the Music Industry Arts program I wanted to apply for right out of high school! I cried.

 At the moment, I've been taking guitar lessons for about two months, and on Monday I'm starting the Songwriting & Recording course, along with vocal lessons. I also hope to take a Recording and Sound Engineering course, as well as a Music Theory course and a course called The Singing Pianist, which teaches students how to play instruments and sing at the same time. I've also recorded my very first song, called Watch Me Soar, by fellow Canadian Alyssa Reid. You can watch it here if you're interested- feel free to rate, comment and subscribe, and pass it along to anyone you think might be interested! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Bey8nYzTz8&feature=plcp&context=C3af7a8bUDOEgsToPDskJQX2yYgIWHR2b_9QhgLy6w 

I'll be back in the studio on Friday night, recording my version of A Fine Frenzy's Almost Lover, so if all goes well, I'll have more to share soon!

I'm trying to really pull my grades up this semester so I can get into the MIA program, and I'm also trying to fill my time with my first love- music. I feel so much more free, knowing that I don't have to hide myself anymore. I think my Mom always knew that I loved music, and that it was my escape, but she didn't know that this is what I really want to do with my time here. I'm thoroughly straight, but in a way it feels like I came out of the closet.

I'm excited for my life, now that I've gotten out of my own way. And even though I'm open for failure now, I'm also open for success. Look out world, here I come.

Are any of you interested in hearing more about my journey? Or am I simply writing here for cathartic purposes? 

Hi Lovelies,

I'm not new to Xanga, but this account is brand new, and I never used my other account for anything other than reading other people's blogs. So, I thought I'd start fresh, and introduce myself to the Lovelyish Community.

My name is Alyssa, I'll be 19 in March, and I was born and raised in Ontario, Canada. I've been officially vegetarian since September 8th, but I've been working towards it for years, and I'm toying with becoming vegan (which wouldn't be too far of a reach since I'm lactose intolerant). I've never done anything extraordinary; I grew up in a small town, I've lived in the same house since I was born, I've known my best friend Ariel since I was four, and my grades have always been slightly above average. I was obsessed with the Spice Girls and NSync growing up (by the way, I always knew Justin was the real star of the group), and -being a child of the nineties- I owned a Tamagotchi and Furby. My parents were divorced by the time I was a year and a half old, and it was messy. My Mom has raised me as a single parent, and my father and I don't have a close relationship.

Grades seven and eight were hell for me as girls figured out how to harness their full cattiness potential, so I chose -along with my best friend, who was also targeted by the same 14 year old real life Regina Georges- to go to the high school half an hour away from my house, and it's one of the best decisions I've ever made. As is much too typical for high school girls, I fell way too hard for a guy who had no intention of falling back, and it wasn't until the day my best friend told me I wasn't fun anymore that I started to realise just how much the whole situation had affected me. Grade twelve was a serendipitous year for me, as the closer it got to Graduation Day, the more my loose ends were tied up.

University is the first extraordinary thing I've ever done, as I'm studying abroad in England. It's been fantastic, challenging, and terrifying all at the same time, and it's something I never thought I'd be able to do. I've seen so much over the past four months of school, and I can't wait to travel more in my second semester, as we'll even be going to Paris in the spring! It's been incredibly difficult to be so far away from Ariel for so long, but I'm home for Christmas now, and seeing her face when I surprised her by coming home three days earlier than I told her made my life.

My passion throughout my life has been music, and I have a (really cute if I don't say so myself) video of me turning up a radio and wiggling around to the music when I was barely old enough to stand. I was even a fan of Buffalo Soldier (if you have to ask who it's by, we can't be friends) in the womb. I love to sing, and I even entered a Marianas Trench duet contest (that could've been me in the Good To You video) and Josh Ramsay even tweeted about my entry, but I didn't win. I've never been trained, and at this point I don't know whether doing it for a living would start to feel like a job. Problem is, I can't figure out a 'practical' career path either, and I don't know if I'd be satisfied with having music as a hobby.

I've had pets all my life, and most of my eighteen years have been accompanied by no less than three cats. The first pet I ever had, a beautiful, kind, gentle, orange long haired tabby cat named Christie, passed away last summer, and it's one of the absolute hardest things I've ever been through. I love animals,  and after three and a half months of being veggie, my severely problematic skin has cleared up significantly, and I feel really great. Yes, I'm semi involved with PETA, but I don't agree with their extreme methods. I try not to push my beliefs on people, but I think there's a disconnect in people's minds and they don't realise that the meat on their plate had a mother and a personality.

Now that I've blabbed on and on about myself, I feel the need to thank/apologise to everyone who's read this far. I promise I won't always talk so much, and hopefully I'll have more exciting things to talk about the next time I post a blog. Feel free to ask me questions!